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[21 May 2006|04:13pm]

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I'm alive! [20 Dec 2005|03:17pm]
Sorry I haven't updated much, I've been finding support closer to home but I still read this lj and comment when I can.

I've been busy but I've come out to 4 people from around here so far and 2 from in state, out of town.. other than that I've just been really busy, I'm working on telling 2 more people, it should happen soon =)

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[14 Aug 2005|08:11pm]
so my last entry was fucked up and ended up in my real lj... one person that i know of saw it and commented... so i had to tell her.. then a few days later she tells me that she already knew because of some internet thing... so yeah... i probably would of told her anyways but now its out so weee...

ah yes, i was at the local fair all week and this one day this lady walked by and she had a shirt on that said
1 man + 1 woman = marriage
i wanted to tell her everything that was wrong about her tee-shirt.. i mean really, people may not be okay with it but to actually put effort into hating us. thats just bad... i sat down and fumed in my head for a while, didn't see her again though...

now my sucky situation, i like this guy, and i thought he liked me too, hes openly bi but we have been talking a lot lately and he said he might be completely gay... yet he kept saying "how alike we are" blah yeah so i was like hmm... well last night he was going to the fair so naturally i wanted to go too, my brother ended up showing up and my parents desided to be dipshits and make me stay home so that night when the guy gets back i talk to him and the guy he likes was at the fair, and they made out... me, crushed... i was wicked upset by then cause i had fought with my parents earlier, missed out on seeing john (the guy) then he hooked up.... so yeah i feel like shit and i wanted to put my head through a tree... i didn't... but i wanted to.... and then today johns all happy and he said in his lj "this may have not straightened out what i think i am but it may have helped a whole lot" meaning, he might really be gay, leaving me liking a gay guy that really is just a good friend that i never really had any chance with anyways... it seems all i can ever be is just the friend... fuck...

oh and the woman i really want to be with is geographically and legally unavailable.
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[06 Aug 2005|10:37am]
i haven't posted in a while but tomarrow im going to a union ceremony of two women from my church and im wicked excited =D I'll try to update tomarrow after it and maybe ill post some pictures of it....

other than that life hasn't been great... im loosing the only friend that i have come out to, but i dont think its because i came out.... maybe we're just ment to go our seperate ways? oh well...

cause no one likes a text postCollapse )
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[05 Jul 2005|10:53pm]
i went to fireworks last night, and on the next blanket down there was a gay couple, both were a bit drunk and they were so cute together... but then *dun dun dun* my friend who i was with said after another gay couple walked by "their population is growing, dont you change on my now, stick to guys" and i almost broke down right there.... she doesn't know how much its killing me, i thought she would be one to understand, all these friends that i am so close to and i come so close to coming out kill me just before i say it. and im a walking lie. i dont want to edit the orientation part out of quizzes anymore or listen to my friends bullshit comments. i feel like im hiding, and dying, i cant go on like this. i just dont know what to do anymore...
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[22 Jun 2005|11:00pm]

Pics of me =oCollapse )

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[20 Jun 2005|09:41pm]
okay so i know i haven't updated in a really long time but here it goes... a problem... i have a friend that i was ready to come out to, and i really wasn't sure yet how to do it because her long term ex boyfriend came out as gay this winter and she dealt with it but i really didn't want to tell her now... so i was almost ready, she was talking about her ex bf and how "if he ever desided to be straight,even though she thought he wouldn't he would have a tough time finding a girl because he went fron straight to gay and back to straight then everyone would think he's bi and thats just -she shuddered-" yes, so im bi, now can you see my dilema? yeah... i thought she would be one to understand but it seems that a lot of people just dont understand bi, people at school have said "why cant they just pick one, you cant have both" and it hurts... i mean most people dont know... and all this, i just dont know if i could ever come out and if i do find a girlfriend i want to be able to have her in public... but i dont know if i could... its just rough... i dont know comments? advice?

x-posted in my lj & bisexuallesteen com.
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[14 May 2005|11:58pm]
so i experianced my first dream involving a female that i can remember.

it was wierd, the feeling i woke up with, the girl in it is deffinatly a straight catholic who thinks gay=bad (im not putting words in her mouth, shes said them to me, not through the grape vine or anything) and it was wierd, idk, we just ended up like making out, and i dont like her whatsoever, her hate of homosexual people really bugs me because she doesn't keep it to herself, she makes little comments... rarr it really gets to me.

then tonight i had a school dance, lots of people all dancing in a big group, and it was really awesome =D idk, i was turned on, =P i just hated having to sit there during slow songs, not having anyone to dance with, i almost cried several times but i kept it in.... ill just end up crying myself to sleep =/ well its late i should go,

night all
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[06 May 2005|05:07pm]
i got this from someone in a community who got it from someone else, sorry i cant credit cause i dont know where it came from.... but its hard to take, scary, just be prepared....

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I
wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.
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[05 May 2005|09:08pm]

Reasons why Girls are better than Guys
borrowed/stolen from like_its_hot33 and everyone that commented adding a few bullets

-they smell good
-they comb their hair more than once a day
-they know how to match
-they're sensitive and understand the "little things"
-they're just as sappy as you
-they can be more romantic
-there is no such thing as "meaningless conversation"
-they express their feelings better and more often
-they can pull off the "athletic but still REALLY HOT" look verrry well ;)
-they are seductive
-they're softer
-you're not gonna hear "oh, you're such a girl!" so much
-they're not so stubborn
-they don't have machismo (the "I'm such a hardcore cocky boy" attitude)
-dont get beer bellies or grow hair on backs
-they can dance slow and sexy and totally get away with it and look unreal doing it.
-how a smile can mean a milion things
-they respect you if you're smarter than them
-they don't resent it if you're stronger
-they don't think swearing, sweating, or crotch-grabbing are turn-ons
-they don't feel compelled to be better than you at all things
-you can share clothes and put make-up on each other just for fun
-they look beautiful no matter how little makeup they wear
-dancing with girls is just so much more fun- you both can be crazily seductive and they won't try to grope you or freak dance or anything (at least not usually)
-their a lot nicer about waking you up (sexually or in general ;))
-you can have a conversation without having to discuss the play-by-play of last nights football game (unless you both want to)


ah yes many reasons, i still like both ^_^

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[29 Apr 2005|11:15pm]
so tonight, it suddenly dawned on me, i really am bisexual, i dont know it this is just a passing thing of knowing, but i really think its true, i mean, when i think about it, i truely am attracted to girls as well as guys, i really want to be able to curl up and hold someone, that someone being a female... or be held by a guy, depends on the genuine connection... so yes, i believe i have found my label... but i doubt that will help me at all in finding someone to care about... but it is early yet, i mean, why rush into being older, yet i still want to have someone to hold and love and protect....

thats all for now, i just needed to let it all out

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[27 Apr 2005|08:46pm]
so im not really sure what to update about... i came out as bi-curious to someone i know from my church conferences, it helps, having some people to talk to, they may not know exactly what im going through but they can see when im having a horrid day, and comfort me or just listen while i rant, this lj is where im looking to meet other bi/les/curious girls... so add me if you want (hem i cant pass this up) me :P no im just playing around, but yeah, add me on aim if i catch your eye (papaya2whip) but yeah... i dont have my eye on anyone at the moment, idk, i guess there really isn't anyone at my school really open, i know of one bi girl... and i think she has a girlfriend... but, i've put off posting this, i need to just hit the update button, too much else is going on, so tata
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[25 Apr 2005|05:52pm]
[ mood | open yet concealed ]

so, i really am not sure, i think im bisexual, but i dont know, i've been thinking about this since late summer '04, im not attracted to any girls in paticular, it just feels like i'd be happier and more comfortable knowing i could have either if i made that genuine connection, i mean im pretty sure i want to marry straight, i want to raise a family, i mean i know i could have a partner and adopt, and i want to adopt, but i also want to have a few children of my own, ones that me and my lover created together, so i am really unsure, but i think i might start coming out to some choice people as bi-curious, i have come out to my closest friend, shes cool with it, her reaction was kind of hard to take in, and it was hard to imagine what it was going to be, okay so ill tell the whole story of that, she came over and she knew i had been down and really needed to talk, and a day or two earlier i had made an anonymous post on someones lj that said "post anything you want on this entry blah blah blah" so i posted that i was questioning my sexuality, so when my friend got here, she was like "i know you need to talk" and i was like "yeah, i just dont know how" so then she said, kind of as a joke i think "are you questioning your sexuality" cause she had seen the post, and when i didn't respond, i kind of looked down and muttered yeah, not because im ashamed, confrontation is just hard, then she kind of was like "wait, really" and i was able to say "yeah" and she repeated "really?" a few times and i kept saying "yes" then, well she was like "well, i mean when i saw it i kind of thought it was you, and its totally cool and everything" so, yeah, thats the first person i've come out too, and i've tried a few others, that i know will be fine with it, and very supportive, i might send them here, so if i do, if you see this because i sent you well now you know

im bi-curious...

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[23 Apr 2005|11:24pm]
[ mood | curious ]

so i just started this, im not sure of my sexuality or anything at the moment, ill just have to keep figuring it out, ill try to update with any breakthroughs or anything

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